How do I finish that sentence? Broken? Followed? Created?
I’ve always walked a fine line between being the oldest child in my family of origin – which should make me an inveterate rule follower – and being a bit of a rebel who is determined to do things my own way. Maybe that makes me a calculated risk taker.
Whatever the answer to the question above, today I found myself writing a rule. I don’t mean the “thou shalt not” kind of rule. I’m speaking more along the lines of a Benedictine Rule, or Rule of Benedict. Something like 1500 years ago, St. Benedict (I’m guessing not a saint at that time) came up with his rule which is, in plainer terms, a basic daily plan that helps people embrace a “balanced, simple and prayerful life,” according to the Friends of St. Benedict. If you want to dig a little deeper on that, you can find out more here: http://www.benedictfriend.org/the-rule.html
What drove a rule breaker like myself to such madness? Well, we’ve had a tough week. Or rather, we had a couple of tough days this week. And while I’m editing let me go ahead and admit that “tough” doesn’t really cover it. We had one particularly ugly day. There was much misbehavior. Nasty words, eye rolling and general snottiness started it off. Things escalated. I went down a path of how-much-longer-can-I-do-this with a side trip to I’m-losing-my-freaking-mind. If you’re already lost here, let me explain.
I am a homeschooling mom who is kind of over it. No, wait. I am a 52 year old homeschooling mom who is *really* over it. My youngest son, who we’ll just call L.T. (which does NOT stand for Little Terror) is the last kiddo at home. L.T. is 12, has some incredible talents mixed in with a whole host of challenges that stem from a brain injury, and is particularly gifted in pushing my buttons. “So,” you say, “what’s the big deal? Why not drop him off in front of your local public school and go get a Bloody Mary?” Believe me, it’s entered my mind.
In fact, on one particular day this past week, we stunk it up so bad that I did some calling around to see what it would take to enroll this child in school and what special services might be available to him – because this is something he would absolutely need due to the aforementioned brain injury. I felt like I was making progress and was thinking that this might be a good plan going forward. And then.
And then on about the fourth phone call to an array of kind and helpful folks who are dedicated to helping parents navigate the special education system, I heard words that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. It went something like this:
ME: Our son really thrives on routine and knowing what is going to happen each day.
EXPERT: Yes, public school is very good about providing that kind of structure. I know a young man who was really thriving in the school setting but was unable to adjust after graduation. Now (about five years later) he is really struggling and getting into a lot of trouble since he is no longer in that program.
Let me be clear. I am not trying to disparage the public school system in general or special ed programs in specific. But here’s the deal: L.T. is the last kiddo at home. This is not our first rodeo. All along, I have parented our sons with the idea in the back of my head that “We are not raising boys; we’re raising men.” And more than an idea, that has been my goal. Furthermore, I am blessed with an intelligent, hardworking, loving husband. He is a great provider for our family and sets a fine example for our sons of what it means to be manly. I don’t just mean growing chest hair. I’m talking about how to treat people, work hard, finish jobs, love God and your family and serve your community. I have seen our boys respond to this combination of my goal and my husband’s example – even L.T.
So back to the discussion and the hairs standing up. I immediately was overcome with a strong feeling that we could put a whole lot of effort into managing situations and demanding accommodations so that L.T. could become a successful public school student. BUT, that is not our ultimate goal. The end result that we have been steadily working toward for 12 long years – 25 years if you count back to the birth of our oldest – is to raise men who function in and contribute to society to the best of their ability.
In my opinion, society looks and functions a lot more like homeschool than like public school. This particular child needs guided practice living real, daily life – not learning to go from class to class when the bell rings and follow others from one activity to the next. I stomped on the brakes and realized that although we might be on a haphazard route with a lot of side trips, homeschooling is still more likely to help us reach our desired destination of raising independent, productive men.
And finally, back to the rule. A couple of years ago a friend lent me a copy of “A Mother’s Rule” by Holly Pierlot. This book took the Rule of Benedict and applied it to the life of a home and family. I read it – twice – and thought it had real potential. But while I sketched out a basic daily plan, I didn’t really go beyond putting down on paper the meal and bed times that we were already following.
Yesterday, we did a lot of driving. And while I was in the car with zero radio reception and no CD player, I had plenty of time to think. I realized that maybe it was time to get down to business and try to firm up my own rule. This morning, I sketched it out and then sat down at the computer and put our rule on a table with three columns: one for the hour of the day, one for the activity that L.T. is doing, and one for whatever I’m doing.
During some hours we are doing the same thing. During other hours – like now – we have separate activities. We each have free time built into certain hours with the understanding that if either of us is finished with whatever we are supposed to be doing during a block of time, the remaining minutes are also free time. I did have to set some limits to what exactly is allowed during free time so that I don’t hear my car start up and run through the back wall of the garage.
Today has been amazingly peaceful and productive, for both my son and myself. Following the daily rule has helped us stay on track and not get hung up on something we are determined to finish, even if it’s not going well. (That is one thing about public school: when the bell rings you have to move on.)
My next step is to make a weekly rule that includes the activities that happen routinely so that they don’t throw the whole schedule off. And I plan to include two things that my frenzy of “should we enroll in school” phone calls brought to light: time for myself and time with my husband. Those two categories have pretty much fallen by the wayside and that’s not good.
So here are the positives that came out of an awful couple of days:
- I finally implemented THE RULE.
- I talked to some really nice and understanding people.
- Those really nice people helped me realize that part of my problem is neglecting myself and my marriage.
- Following this process through is helping me recommit to educating my son in a way that I believe is most likely to help him live an independent and productive life.